JustCallMeLolli- A Survivor Blog: Evaluating Goals Dealing with Emotional Abuse


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The way you get to your destination says a lot about you as a person.

Do you feel as confused as an airplane in the middle of the woods? Do you feel as stuck as a turtle trying to swim in peanut butter? “Where are my friends?” “Where is my support system?” You may ask every now and then. This is so hard for survivors because the constant reaching out can make us feel like we are a burden to humanity. So a little birdie told me that you have goals right?

Inner Inventory

The way you get to your destination says a lot about your persona. Are you cutting corners, stepping over people, or using people for your own success? Sometimes survivors do this unconsciously because it’s a form of survival. People who were supposed to be there for you failed you. Sometimes detours or delays are the best thing for you, because they will develop your character for what the things that you want to behold or manage.

What you do in private is more important than what you do in public. Integrity comes at a high cost and in the process these things may happen: you may lose friends, feel alone at times, feel tempted to get into unnecessary debt, or quit. I’m writing all of these things, not because I found it in a textbook. I’ve been through it and it’s tough. Sometimes people walking away from you is the best thing for you. Less voices. Less opinions. Maybe they will come back at another stage in your life. Maybe they won’t.

During the period in which they are absent, take inventory about your focus and the things you believe in.

~Loren Ruiz~

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The “Naysayers”

See the sign above? Not everyone can live where you are headed.

The place where you want to go has limited access. No dreamless, resentful, hateful, manipulating, and fearful people are allowed.

I’ll give you an example of one of my goals and how it has been as a survivor.

I am currently finishing my last year as business student. I have six more courses till graduation and obtain my bachelor degree. I am planning on writing several books, opening my online store for my blog, start working for a company called It Works, and eventually studying acting for my masters.

If I were to tell all of that to certain people, they would look at me as if I were crazy. In order for me to reach my goals I have to bypass the dysfunctional patterns in my family. I want to be able to have money, not only to pay my bills and save for a rainy day, but also to bless others. I’ve recently shared a portion of my plans to a certain individual and the lack of support was so terrible, the next day my body felt weak. Even my bones ached.

People who have a poverty mindset can really discourage you if you lend your ear to them. My advice to you is to keep going even if your own family is not board with your plans. Sometimes the most toxic people are in your own family. Some in my family are like this, but not everyone. That’s why I don’t share my dreams with certain individuals.

33236989620_4776bc5226_c.jpgPhoto credit: jayneandd on Visual hunt / CC BY

Don’t Prove People Wrong

If you find yourself so overwhelmed with your reaching your goals, stop. Could it be that you are putting pressure on yourself?

May I also ask the following: Are your goals attainable? I know you feel excited about healing and this new chapter of your life. You are wanting to try new things and meet new people.

You often find yourself thinking about the past, but you don’t really dwell there, you move forward. I get it. All that eagerness and adrenaline in doing great things is real. Depending on where you are during this healing process, you need to ask yourself whether or not  your goals are in a beginner mode or suited for an advanced stage.

If you’re planning in changing the world, then you definitely can. But…can you clean your room? Do you wash the dishes? Start establishing discipline with the small things in order to do the bigger things. Another thing, are you focused so much on the outcome of reaching your goals that it’s making you be a perfectionist? Let me explain. Do you want to reach your goals, in order for the people who treated you wrong see how far you’ve come? Are you using the outcomes of  your goals to prove people wrong? I suggest not to do that. 

The chances are the amount of time that you spend thinking about the abuser is everyday. This means you have voluntarily placed a perpetrator in control of your emotions and your life. Who cares what they think?

I hope this brings some perspective on your goals.


And remember you…you are beautiful!

Loren Ruiz
PLQ Survivor and Ambassador


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